Lord-
you've seen this heart. and you hold it in your hands.
you understand this process, this heart that eagerly wants to chase after your will and righteousness.
you understand i'm your girl. learning, somethings the hard way.
my stubbornness.. sometimes i see things my way and my understanding, i lean onto it. it seems easier.
i like the reminders
of your grace, living in it. i cant think about it too much. my mind gets captivated by these what ifs and howso's and how thens and Lord, all i know is when i'm living in your presense and your will, i never want to leave.
and these buts, it becomes so complicated.
your hands offer this joy and my feet run away.
i cant explain the pull, this desire to feed me.
i ask for help, for the constant obedience.
that its not about proving anything to anyone, but to live for you and in that, i can trust that whatever happens, will happen for you.
you're brilliant. i love you.
always.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
the vision
So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people. You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism. They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice. They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying. What is the vision ? The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure. Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation. It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games. This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose that they might one day win the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters. Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground The whisper of history in the making Foundations shaking Revolutionaries dreaming once again Mystery is scheming in whispers Conspiracy is breathing… This is the And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms. The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back? Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?
And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and with great barrow loads of laughter! Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365. Whatever it takes they will give:
Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide.
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside. On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide. Would they surrender their image or their popularity? They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair. With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus. Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.Don't you hear them coming? Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people. You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism. They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice. They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying. What is the vision ? The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure. Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation. It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games. This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose that they might one day win the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters. Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground The whisper of history in the making Foundations shaking Revolutionaries dreaming once again Mystery is scheming in whispers Conspiracy is breathing… This is the And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms. The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back? Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?
And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and with great barrow loads of laughter! Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365. Whatever it takes they will give:
Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide.
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside. On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide. Would they surrender their image or their popularity? They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair. With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus. Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.Don't you hear them coming? Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
"come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest."
i clinge onto the promise of you. the promise of protection. you have taken me this far, why would you let go now? sometimes its so easy to forget that you're all i have and you're all i need.
Father, rest my soul. feed it with your truth and your light. my life is yours, i'm commited to you and to living for you, my God.
i pray for clarity. that you never allow me to lose focus or vision. that i'm constantly aimed in towards your vision, only yours. that mine has now matched up with you. that my desires are swept away with the hope in the future you have given to me. i love you, Lord. thank you for being my constant. always.
i clinge onto the promise of you. the promise of protection. you have taken me this far, why would you let go now? sometimes its so easy to forget that you're all i have and you're all i need.
Father, rest my soul. feed it with your truth and your light. my life is yours, i'm commited to you and to living for you, my God.
i pray for clarity. that you never allow me to lose focus or vision. that i'm constantly aimed in towards your vision, only yours. that mine has now matched up with you. that my desires are swept away with the hope in the future you have given to me. i love you, Lord. thank you for being my constant. always.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
once i was lost
sometimes i can feel that i'm found.
all this brokenness, this mess sometimes reveals your beauty.
these eyes are fixing on toward religion and i desperatly need to be released.
i was looking at your word and i saw something so beautiful.
and how we've captured it into this book, this rule book that we must follow or we're not going to be "successful christians".
but father, i fall every day and i fall into your arms everyday.
and yesterday it made so much sense about your perfect plan. this plan that i follow and when my eyes were on you father and only you and not on all these things i "couldnt" and "shouldnt" do, you were so much more.. fun.
so much more closer.
and now i've created you into this boss.
this manager, that i have to be careful around.
and i want you to see this heart and be excited about it.
let me see me as you see me, let me see your people as you see them, let me see you as you want me to.
amazing grace, how sweet the sound..
that saved a wretch like me..
sometimes i can feel that i'm found.
all this brokenness, this mess sometimes reveals your beauty.
these eyes are fixing on toward religion and i desperatly need to be released.
i was looking at your word and i saw something so beautiful.
and how we've captured it into this book, this rule book that we must follow or we're not going to be "successful christians".
but father, i fall every day and i fall into your arms everyday.
and yesterday it made so much sense about your perfect plan. this plan that i follow and when my eyes were on you father and only you and not on all these things i "couldnt" and "shouldnt" do, you were so much more.. fun.
so much more closer.
and now i've created you into this boss.
this manager, that i have to be careful around.
and i want you to see this heart and be excited about it.
let me see me as you see me, let me see your people as you see them, let me see you as you want me to.
amazing grace, how sweet the sound..
that saved a wretch like me..
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
my excuse
for so long, an excuse for grace is "its my weakness."
you tell me
YOU'RE sufficent during those times,
not an excuse.
not that excuse.
because if i wanted, truly truly wanted to change and give up all i have and "surrender" to you i wouldnt just leave it at words and at an excuse.
because thats not enough! and you've been so patient while i slowly crawl to figured it out.
i'm desperate, here. i'm so completly desperate for this heart and life and most of all mind, for these things to just change.
and i need you, i need the strength of you. and the obedience to know that i have to actually obey and not just when i get that "itch" to misbehave that an excuse is always free, always so accesible and ready to be used. eager to be used! "we all have fallen sort of you."
to me, anymore, its not enough.
and i know, i really know i'm always going to fall, and i will continue to fall. but i cant prevent some of them.
because anything that seperates me from you, its not worth it.
that shot isnt worth it.
you tell me
YOU'RE sufficent during those times,
not an excuse.
not that excuse.
because if i wanted, truly truly wanted to change and give up all i have and "surrender" to you i wouldnt just leave it at words and at an excuse.
because thats not enough! and you've been so patient while i slowly crawl to figured it out.
i'm desperate, here. i'm so completly desperate for this heart and life and most of all mind, for these things to just change.
and i need you, i need the strength of you. and the obedience to know that i have to actually obey and not just when i get that "itch" to misbehave that an excuse is always free, always so accesible and ready to be used. eager to be used! "we all have fallen sort of you."
to me, anymore, its not enough.
and i know, i really know i'm always going to fall, and i will continue to fall. but i cant prevent some of them.
because anything that seperates me from you, its not worth it.
that shot isnt worth it.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
this desperate apology.
i can say you've said one thing to me, and you've really said another.
or you told me to go this way and you're watching me go ..the other.
this clear answer that i cant make sense out of that i continually try to compromise, only brings
this unwanted separation between you and i.
when i know, i mean i really know, you can yes to someone else but no to me well i feel like you like them more i feel like that little kid that is always getting upset at mom because my big sister got the better easter basket.
i dont want to feel bad because i got caught, i dont want to feel bad so i feel better.
i feel sorry, i truly, sincerely feel so sorry about what i've done.
not only is there this seperation, but theres this ...weed, like this really awful weed that i only helped grow even more. i went into this sinful place thinking i was, "as always" (when actually, not ever.) untouchable. this light would shine shine shine and if anything, i would come out strong and you'd be glorified.
but you told me, YOU TOLD ME
no.
cause you know better, ahh you always do. thats not my calling. not there, not that.
anyway, the solution is too simple. just quit drinking. just quit it, kel. theres not anything, not one good thing that comes from it. and i was reading titus today, by chance, and really honestly how could anyone take me seriously when i'm out dancing like a re re passing out on the side of the street and claiming my love for you is so deep.
i hate these things about me, this desire of mine, it doesnt bring excuses, the reasons i choose to abuse your grace. you dont deserve it.
oh Father, take them away.
or you told me to go this way and you're watching me go ..the other.
this clear answer that i cant make sense out of that i continually try to compromise, only brings
this unwanted separation between you and i.
when i know, i mean i really know, you can yes to someone else but no to me well i feel like you like them more i feel like that little kid that is always getting upset at mom because my big sister got the better easter basket.
i dont want to feel bad because i got caught, i dont want to feel bad so i feel better.
i feel sorry, i truly, sincerely feel so sorry about what i've done.
not only is there this seperation, but theres this ...weed, like this really awful weed that i only helped grow even more. i went into this sinful place thinking i was, "as always" (when actually, not ever.) untouchable. this light would shine shine shine and if anything, i would come out strong and you'd be glorified.
but you told me, YOU TOLD ME
no.
cause you know better, ahh you always do. thats not my calling. not there, not that.
anyway, the solution is too simple. just quit drinking. just quit it, kel. theres not anything, not one good thing that comes from it. and i was reading titus today, by chance, and really honestly how could anyone take me seriously when i'm out dancing like a re re passing out on the side of the street and claiming my love for you is so deep.
i hate these things about me, this desire of mine, it doesnt bring excuses, the reasons i choose to abuse your grace. you dont deserve it.
oh Father, take them away.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
this heart
you take the most simple, things.
i want to run from almost every single thing.
you have this heart that i could never understand, this vision that youre begging for me to get. to carry out.
i'm the messenger all day of bad news, 50.00 change fees, schedule changes, over nights in LAX in the most scumming hotels and yet you've called me for something so much greater. to be the messenger of life. not of circumstance, but of eternal life. with love and acceptance. with a Father who created everyone with a purpose.
i cant even get it. i cant get it. i cant understand, i just cant get my head around.
and this wisdom, this wisdom that my heart is so eagerly chasing that gets so tiring, so quickly.
waking up in the morning, eager to bless. walking in my apartment, overwhelmed knowing the blessings.
that heart, that summer- dont let me ever say "i used to be that way" and have it be missed. have my heart always be changing for the better, always striving for something better, deeper, wiser, more loving, more Godly. always turning up.
theres these "battles" that i long to be a part of. but why? this void. fill it with you.
i was standing in worship today, at a church thats not my church home. this church that i'm not sure where you are.
and i started judging. everything i hate about religion, i found myself there in this place.
direct my heart, down the path YOU'VE called ME.
not to visualize, not to focus, on these things, these judgements, these calls that arent my own. help me understand, help me to be so obedient and strong and confident that you havent called me to every battle. they're yours!
hellO
.
to find myself comparing, hating, idolizing, fantasizing, dwelling, disobeying, sneaking, just all these things.. so many more things, i find myself in these boats, completly oblivious to the life of righteousness you've called me to.
the battles, arent all mine.
the battle to love, is where i need to be found.
i want to run from almost every single thing.
you have this heart that i could never understand, this vision that youre begging for me to get. to carry out.
i'm the messenger all day of bad news, 50.00 change fees, schedule changes, over nights in LAX in the most scumming hotels and yet you've called me for something so much greater. to be the messenger of life. not of circumstance, but of eternal life. with love and acceptance. with a Father who created everyone with a purpose.
i cant even get it. i cant get it. i cant understand, i just cant get my head around.
and this wisdom, this wisdom that my heart is so eagerly chasing that gets so tiring, so quickly.
waking up in the morning, eager to bless. walking in my apartment, overwhelmed knowing the blessings.
that heart, that summer- dont let me ever say "i used to be that way" and have it be missed. have my heart always be changing for the better, always striving for something better, deeper, wiser, more loving, more Godly. always turning up.
theres these "battles" that i long to be a part of. but why? this void. fill it with you.
i was standing in worship today, at a church thats not my church home. this church that i'm not sure where you are.
and i started judging. everything i hate about religion, i found myself there in this place.
direct my heart, down the path YOU'VE called ME.
not to visualize, not to focus, on these things, these judgements, these calls that arent my own. help me understand, help me to be so obedient and strong and confident that you havent called me to every battle. they're yours!
hellO
.
to find myself comparing, hating, idolizing, fantasizing, dwelling, disobeying, sneaking, just all these things.. so many more things, i find myself in these boats, completly oblivious to the life of righteousness you've called me to.
the battles, arent all mine.
the battle to love, is where i need to be found.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
philippians 2
do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain coneit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. in your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had- who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness, and being found in appearance as a human being, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death to the cross!
therefore, my dear friends, as you have obeyed -not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence -continue to work out your salvation in fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fullfill his purpose. do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.
therefore, my dear friends, as you have obeyed -not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence -continue to work out your salvation in fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fullfill his purpose. do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
finding the strength here to cry out
seasons of consistency, i want to run so far from routine.
you shake and you mold and you form this image that i cant find any clues of. any hint of this creation you're envisioning.
i miss that passion, that standing in awe of you as a whole. any part of you could get me to shut up. the good kind of shut up where i want to literally bust out of my skin because no amount of words or praise or worship or shouts of love and joy could express the adoration that that heart held for you.
and i miss that and i write that and i just feel empty.
and seasons, life is only found in seasons. good and empty seasons. a season that you cant really care about because you dont have the energy to. and then theres the type of seasons where you're so happy you're full of fear because you know it could never get better. freeze it exactly as is, that fear knowing it will never be that moment again, such good seasons.
then theres that prayer, after that season of bliss i realize i cant sit here. its not just about me, i need to help others. i need to be able to answer to others. i need to be able to love up on others, show them the process you're having on me, this forming of heart and mind and life and what you're capable of. a challenged and damaged soul your power has the power to change any and literally everything.
that prayer, that comes after that thought. that prayer of 'use me. take me deeper. show me understanding" could quite possibly be the second most important prayer in a child of Yours walk.
because its at that prayer, that your child starts to see the bigger picture, of it not being about themself. its about a committed heart and lfie and spirit and mind to
you.
mold me and shape me, i honestly pray that you will form and challenge me. my heart and mind. direct and lead me with strength, confidence in myself and all in you.
help me sort out these distractions so that i may fully and wholly focus and completely humble and surrender all i need
to change
this life, your life.
i've given back to you.
as i literally commit this life, all of me, all authority above me,
i serve
myself
to serve
to you.
you shake and you mold and you form this image that i cant find any clues of. any hint of this creation you're envisioning.
i miss that passion, that standing in awe of you as a whole. any part of you could get me to shut up. the good kind of shut up where i want to literally bust out of my skin because no amount of words or praise or worship or shouts of love and joy could express the adoration that that heart held for you.
and i miss that and i write that and i just feel empty.
and seasons, life is only found in seasons. good and empty seasons. a season that you cant really care about because you dont have the energy to. and then theres the type of seasons where you're so happy you're full of fear because you know it could never get better. freeze it exactly as is, that fear knowing it will never be that moment again, such good seasons.
then theres that prayer, after that season of bliss i realize i cant sit here. its not just about me, i need to help others. i need to be able to answer to others. i need to be able to love up on others, show them the process you're having on me, this forming of heart and mind and life and what you're capable of. a challenged and damaged soul your power has the power to change any and literally everything.
that prayer, that comes after that thought. that prayer of 'use me. take me deeper. show me understanding" could quite possibly be the second most important prayer in a child of Yours walk.
because its at that prayer, that your child starts to see the bigger picture, of it not being about themself. its about a committed heart and lfie and spirit and mind to
you.
mold me and shape me, i honestly pray that you will form and challenge me. my heart and mind. direct and lead me with strength, confidence in myself and all in you.
help me sort out these distractions so that i may fully and wholly focus and completely humble and surrender all i need
to change
this life, your life.
i've given back to you.
as i literally commit this life, all of me, all authority above me,
i serve
myself
to serve
to you.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
jess made me this.
Dear Kelly,
Congratulations! After careful review of your application, we would like to offer you a place at Hillsong International Leadership College. You will be receiving your official Letter of Offer by post.
Should you wish to accept this offer, the next step for you is to make the minimum fee payment to confirm your place in the course. For payment options, please refer to the attached Payment Schedule.
Please note that the college is offering you a place on the basis that you meet the appropriate English language levels as outlined in our entry requirements (available in our prospectus or website).
Once you have made the fee payment, you will be forwarded a Confirmation of Enrolment (for Overseas Students) and Accommodation Information.
If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to email the college at admissions@hillsong.com.
Yours in Christ,
Congratulations! After careful review of your application, we would like to offer you a place at Hillsong International Leadership College. You will be receiving your official Letter of Offer by post.
Should you wish to accept this offer, the next step for you is to make the minimum fee payment to confirm your place in the course. For payment options, please refer to the attached Payment Schedule.
Please note that the college is offering you a place on the basis that you meet the appropriate English language levels as outlined in our entry requirements (available in our prospectus or website).
Once you have made the fee payment, you will be forwarded a Confirmation of Enrolment (for Overseas Students) and Accommodation Information.
If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to email the college at admissions@hillsong.com.
Yours in Christ,
Saturday, March 24, 2007
focus on the prize
i have to believe that its all going to be worth it.
theres all these thoughts, all these doubts that are just attacking at me from every single angle. i'm not kidding, every single angle. and i keep thinking what would my life mean if i didnt have you? if i declared you dont exist. if i just decided to live this life all for me because you dont exist. and it breaks my heart, its like thinking of my life without my mom only more because then what would become of life? what would be the point? but theres all these thoughts like creation, where did you come from! and how come it HAD to be this way? how come you gave us choice? how come the only way to salvation was through your son's blood? just all these things that i want to know, that i need to know and i know these qustions i'm just simply supposed to "surrender" them but how could you just surrender those thoughts? and last night i was visiting a friend in southern california and this place is so sad and so lost. and i have no idea where to even start i had to get out of there. all i saw was self improving stores, nails, tanning, fitness/health centers, just all thse things EVERWHERE. it was just full of vanity and people looking everywhere for satisfaction outside of you. anywhere but in you.
and last night my friends boyfriend started getting sassy cause he was drinking and hes agnostic and he started saying stuff like "ok, say if there was a Jesus.." and i honestly dont remember where he went after that because my heart just broke for him. i was just speechless and he lost me, he didnt have my attention anymore and i had no words to give him. and i dont want to be that person that just gives up on these people because they're "set in their ways and too hardheaded" because thats honestly what i think of them they dont want to learn and they wont listen because "we're only judging" and we "dont know how to think for ourselves" but i've lived a life outside of you and i've "thought" to myself and with these doubts and honest questions and struggles and frustations with you, i bring you my thoughts, Lord.
i just cant imagine living a life without you and this is why i hate these seaons of you being quiet and me in the wonder is the worst because i need you so badly.
theres all these thoughts, all these doubts that are just attacking at me from every single angle. i'm not kidding, every single angle. and i keep thinking what would my life mean if i didnt have you? if i declared you dont exist. if i just decided to live this life all for me because you dont exist. and it breaks my heart, its like thinking of my life without my mom only more because then what would become of life? what would be the point? but theres all these thoughts like creation, where did you come from! and how come it HAD to be this way? how come you gave us choice? how come the only way to salvation was through your son's blood? just all these things that i want to know, that i need to know and i know these qustions i'm just simply supposed to "surrender" them but how could you just surrender those thoughts? and last night i was visiting a friend in southern california and this place is so sad and so lost. and i have no idea where to even start i had to get out of there. all i saw was self improving stores, nails, tanning, fitness/health centers, just all thse things EVERWHERE. it was just full of vanity and people looking everywhere for satisfaction outside of you. anywhere but in you.
and last night my friends boyfriend started getting sassy cause he was drinking and hes agnostic and he started saying stuff like "ok, say if there was a Jesus.." and i honestly dont remember where he went after that because my heart just broke for him. i was just speechless and he lost me, he didnt have my attention anymore and i had no words to give him. and i dont want to be that person that just gives up on these people because they're "set in their ways and too hardheaded" because thats honestly what i think of them they dont want to learn and they wont listen because "we're only judging" and we "dont know how to think for ourselves" but i've lived a life outside of you and i've "thought" to myself and with these doubts and honest questions and struggles and frustations with you, i bring you my thoughts, Lord.
i just cant imagine living a life without you and this is why i hate these seaons of you being quiet and me in the wonder is the worst because i need you so badly.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Lord.
you've caught me in a stage
of the i dont knows becoming all i know and i'm coming to a point where its getting
well it seems giving up could be a better way out.
this whole thing living for you,
this world you let me have
is utterly confusing
and all these things that i'm constantly making a list of hows to changes
i'm growing tired of them, father. because its becoming my life. like the humblesness where i'm not really humble i'm just broken and i'm sick of knowing my brokenness and im sick of looking to you to heal and fix and restore because sometimes you take longer than a shot of vodka.
you've caught me in a stage
of the i dont knows becoming all i know and i'm coming to a point where its getting
well it seems giving up could be a better way out.
this whole thing living for you,
this world you let me have
is utterly confusing
and all these things that i'm constantly making a list of hows to changes
i'm growing tired of them, father. because its becoming my life. like the humblesness where i'm not really humble i'm just broken and i'm sick of knowing my brokenness and im sick of looking to you to heal and fix and restore because sometimes you take longer than a shot of vodka.
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