this desperate apology.

i can say you've said one thing to me, and you've really said another.
or you told me to go this way and you're watching me go ..the other.
this clear answer that i cant make sense out of that i continually try to compromise, only brings
this unwanted separation between you and i.
when i know, i mean i really know, you can yes to someone else but no to me well i feel like you like them more i feel like that little kid that is always getting upset at mom because my big sister got the better easter basket.
i dont want to feel bad because i got caught, i dont want to feel bad so i feel better.
i feel sorry, i truly, sincerely feel so sorry about what i've done.
not only is there this seperation, but theres this ...weed, like this really awful weed that i only helped grow even more. i went into this sinful place thinking i was, "as always" (when actually, not ever.) untouchable. this light would shine shine shine and if anything, i would come out strong and you'd be glorified.
but you told me, YOU TOLD ME
no.
cause you know better, ahh you always do. thats not my calling. not there, not that.
anyway, the solution is too simple. just quit drinking. just quit it, kel. theres not anything, not one good thing that comes from it. and i was reading titus today, by chance, and really honestly how could anyone take me seriously when i'm out dancing like a re re passing out on the side of the street and claiming my love for you is so deep.
i hate these things about me, this desire of mine, it doesnt bring excuses, the reasons i choose to abuse your grace. you dont deserve it.
oh Father, take them away.