i have to believe that its all going to be worth it.
theres all these thoughts, all these doubts that are just attacking at me from every single angle. i'm not kidding, every single angle. and i keep thinking what would my life mean if i didnt have you? if i declared you dont exist. if i just decided to live this life all for me because you dont exist. and it breaks my heart, its like thinking of my life without my mom only more because then what would become of life? what would be the point? but theres all these thoughts like creation, where did you come from! and how come it HAD to be this way? how come you gave us choice? how come the only way to salvation was through your son's blood? just all these things that i want to know, that i need to know and i know these qustions i'm just simply supposed to "surrender" them but how could you just surrender those thoughts? and last night i was visiting a friend in southern california and this place is so sad and so lost. and i have no idea where to even start i had to get out of there. all i saw was self improving stores, nails, tanning, fitness/health centers, just all thse things EVERWHERE. it was just full of vanity and people looking everywhere for satisfaction outside of you. anywhere but in you.
and last night my friends boyfriend started getting sassy cause he was drinking and hes agnostic and he started saying stuff like "ok, say if there was a Jesus.." and i honestly dont remember where he went after that because my heart just broke for him. i was just speechless and he lost me, he didnt have my attention anymore and i had no words to give him. and i dont want to be that person that just gives up on these people because they're "set in their ways and too hardheaded" because thats honestly what i think of them they dont want to learn and they wont listen because "we're only judging" and we "dont know how to think for ourselves" but i've lived a life outside of you and i've "thought" to myself and with these doubts and honest questions and struggles and frustations with you, i bring you my thoughts, Lord.
i just cant imagine living a life without you and this is why i hate these seaons of you being quiet and me in the wonder is the worst because i need you so badly.