this heart

you take the most simple, things.
i want to run from almost every single thing.
you have this heart that i could never understand, this vision that youre begging for me to get. to carry out.
i'm the messenger all day of bad news, 50.00 change fees, schedule changes, over nights in LAX in the most scumming hotels and yet you've called me for something so much greater. to be the messenger of life. not of circumstance, but of eternal life. with love and acceptance. with a Father who created everyone with a purpose.
i cant even get it. i cant get it. i cant understand, i just cant get my head around.
and this wisdom, this wisdom that my heart is so eagerly chasing that gets so tiring, so quickly.
waking up in the morning, eager to bless. walking in my apartment, overwhelmed knowing the blessings.
that heart, that summer- dont let me ever say "i used to be that way" and have it be missed. have my heart always be changing for the better, always striving for something better, deeper, wiser, more loving, more Godly. always turning up.
theres these "battles" that i long to be a part of. but why? this void. fill it with you.
i was standing in worship today, at a church thats not my church home. this church that i'm not sure where you are.
and i started judging. everything i hate about religion, i found myself there in this place.
direct my heart, down the path YOU'VE called ME.
not to visualize, not to focus, on these things, these judgements, these calls that arent my own. help me understand, help me to be so obedient and strong and confident that you havent called me to every battle. they're yours!
hellO
.
to find myself comparing, hating, idolizing, fantasizing, dwelling, disobeying, sneaking, just all these things.. so many more things, i find myself in these boats, completly oblivious to the life of righteousness you've called me to.
the battles, arent all mine.
the battle to love, is where i need to be found.