once i was lost
sometimes i can feel that i'm found.
all this brokenness, this mess sometimes reveals your beauty.
these eyes are fixing on toward religion and i desperatly need to be released.
i was looking at your word and i saw something so beautiful.
and how we've captured it into this book, this rule book that we must follow or we're not going to be "successful christians".
but father, i fall every day and i fall into your arms everyday.

and yesterday it made so much sense about your perfect plan. this plan that i follow and when my eyes were on you father and only you and not on all these things i "couldnt" and "shouldnt" do, you were so much more.. fun.
so much more closer.
and now i've created you into this boss.
this manager, that i have to be careful around.
and i want you to see this heart and be excited about it.
let me see me as you see me, let me see your people as you see them, let me see you as you want me to.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound..
that saved a wretch like me..

my excuse

for so long, an excuse for grace is "its my weakness."
you tell me
YOU'RE sufficent during those times,
not an excuse.
not that excuse.
because if i wanted, truly truly wanted to change and give up all i have and "surrender" to you i wouldnt just leave it at words and at an excuse.
because thats not enough! and you've been so patient while i slowly crawl to figured it out.
i'm desperate, here. i'm so completly desperate for this heart and life and most of all mind, for these things to just change.
and i need you, i need the strength of you. and the obedience to know that i have to actually obey and not just when i get that "itch" to misbehave that an excuse is always free, always so accesible and ready to be used. eager to be used! "we all have fallen sort of you."
to me, anymore, its not enough.
and i know, i really know i'm always going to fall, and i will continue to fall. but i cant prevent some of them.
because anything that seperates me from you, its not worth it.
that shot isnt worth it.

this desperate apology.

i can say you've said one thing to me, and you've really said another.
or you told me to go this way and you're watching me go ..the other.
this clear answer that i cant make sense out of that i continually try to compromise, only brings
this unwanted separation between you and i.
when i know, i mean i really know, you can yes to someone else but no to me well i feel like you like them more i feel like that little kid that is always getting upset at mom because my big sister got the better easter basket.
i dont want to feel bad because i got caught, i dont want to feel bad so i feel better.
i feel sorry, i truly, sincerely feel so sorry about what i've done.
not only is there this seperation, but theres this ...weed, like this really awful weed that i only helped grow even more. i went into this sinful place thinking i was, "as always" (when actually, not ever.) untouchable. this light would shine shine shine and if anything, i would come out strong and you'd be glorified.
but you told me, YOU TOLD ME
no.
cause you know better, ahh you always do. thats not my calling. not there, not that.
anyway, the solution is too simple. just quit drinking. just quit it, kel. theres not anything, not one good thing that comes from it. and i was reading titus today, by chance, and really honestly how could anyone take me seriously when i'm out dancing like a re re passing out on the side of the street and claiming my love for you is so deep.
i hate these things about me, this desire of mine, it doesnt bring excuses, the reasons i choose to abuse your grace. you dont deserve it.
oh Father, take them away.

this heart

you take the most simple, things.
i want to run from almost every single thing.
you have this heart that i could never understand, this vision that youre begging for me to get. to carry out.
i'm the messenger all day of bad news, 50.00 change fees, schedule changes, over nights in LAX in the most scumming hotels and yet you've called me for something so much greater. to be the messenger of life. not of circumstance, but of eternal life. with love and acceptance. with a Father who created everyone with a purpose.
i cant even get it. i cant get it. i cant understand, i just cant get my head around.
and this wisdom, this wisdom that my heart is so eagerly chasing that gets so tiring, so quickly.
waking up in the morning, eager to bless. walking in my apartment, overwhelmed knowing the blessings.
that heart, that summer- dont let me ever say "i used to be that way" and have it be missed. have my heart always be changing for the better, always striving for something better, deeper, wiser, more loving, more Godly. always turning up.
theres these "battles" that i long to be a part of. but why? this void. fill it with you.
i was standing in worship today, at a church thats not my church home. this church that i'm not sure where you are.
and i started judging. everything i hate about religion, i found myself there in this place.
direct my heart, down the path YOU'VE called ME.
not to visualize, not to focus, on these things, these judgements, these calls that arent my own. help me understand, help me to be so obedient and strong and confident that you havent called me to every battle. they're yours!
hellO
.
to find myself comparing, hating, idolizing, fantasizing, dwelling, disobeying, sneaking, just all these things.. so many more things, i find myself in these boats, completly oblivious to the life of righteousness you've called me to.
the battles, arent all mine.
the battle to love, is where i need to be found.

philippians 2

do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain coneit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. in your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had- who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness, and being found in appearance as a human being, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death to the cross!
therefore, my dear friends, as you have obeyed -not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence -continue to work out your salvation in fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fullfill his purpose. do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.