Thursday, October 1, 2009

these words,
youre jealousy..
i dont get it. i want get my head around it.
your mercy, your love, whats it even mean? i cant make sense out of it but God i live the truth of you by the moment, the second i step outside of you, i crumble. i can do this life thing on my own but God, knowing the taste of you, the comfort of you, Father its losing the deepest love when i run from it, when i tell you no.
i bend back and forth with the speed of this world, so quick God and you're so quiet and i have to be even quieter and God we know thats never turned out well but Jesus i'm so desperate for you to turn this heart back to you, its never forgotten about you, I cant.
i cant leave you.
i know you havent left, your hand is always put, sitting still and i run around and around and i need to just stop and think about this great deep love, and God i need you to rumble and shake and stir this heart of mine and God
get my heart on you, on YOURS, your heart, your children, this world
i walk through capitol hill and i know i'm so out of place, these broken desperate people, so put together.
so messy,
and i'm so even messier! messier and Jesus i hate representing you because i'm so OPPOSITE of you, your masterpiece is not me and then I think GOD this isnt faith, this isnt what you want, this is NOT your hearts desires for your children,
distractions, PUSH ME ASIDE oh my GOD how could i forget this is the PERFECT step, the perfect stradegy for the other to win.

anyway God i need you to move, in this heart, this house, this mind, this life, my life, i have given to you a long time ago and i've never taken it back i just refused to let you lead and i'm so sorry that season Jesus why would i choose anything outside of you? i miss you like i've never missed anything before. the deepest love and i cant make sense of it. my heart just cant live without it, it literally beats for you, God i love you and i need you and i cant explain you but thank you for never leaving me, you're so beautiful for always just sitting so still and patiently and being so kind and understanding and i'm just such a small CHILD and i feel like in faith i keep getting younger because i understand less, and again i have to base this entire relationship with you off this heart of mine,
(((((((((((((i guess its just like any love.)))))))))
i cant see it and i have to trust it. so hard, this world so hard to do.

challenge my heart, shake it up and mold it and shape it God into something that does resemble yours.
let my heart burst and ache for what makes yours,
joy that pours out when yours does.
to chase after PURITY (oh God help me)
these things that keep me from you.
this great love, you are you are.

give me confidence in only YOU. you are it. you are mine. you are all. everything.
oh my God i have everything.
you're everything and you want me.
sweet sweet Savior, i am so underserving of this love. let me taste it, all day every day.
i dont want to step outside of this house without it, without being confident in it. you are it.

wisdom, let me soul feed off it, flood my life with people that will pour it in.
God, thank you for saving me.
give me your eyes, this spiritual thing isnt just about me, i cant figure it out and i wont be able to figure it out,
this is about others, you have created me not for me alone, but for you, and Yours. that is why i am.

i never want to step outside of you again, protect this prayer tonight God, because i know this is the most dangerous.
the falls are always the hardest after these nights.

((((((((( I.WILL.NOT.BE.SHAKEN.)))))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!!