slipped.

i slip, i see you ahead, holding back your hand, walking ahead of me, protecting me because you see it coming. you see my heart. where its going and where its been and
my beautiful God i cant understand the heart of you, your heart towards me. your eyes that look at me, i can see them, i dont get that deep of love.

i literally see your hand, holding it. waiting always waiting so patiently, thats what youre so good at, taking me in, back time and time again..

the other day when i bent down, and the moments you meet me, or when i meet you, when i feel you, when i know youre there are the craziest times. you decide to show me who you are at the craziest times.
looking at muffins.
oh, looking at muffins.
bending down, you held me. you told me you're all i need.
i know this I KNOW THIS GOD.
why do i CHOOSE to ignore it? why do i choose to turn away, when i know i KNOW you've created sensation, you've created feelings, you've created this heart and you've built it so that you're all i was created to find, everywhere i look i see you, i need to see you, outside of that is a void, i need you. and i keep searching for that outside of you and it only leads to ... nothing.nothingnothingnothingoh GOOOOOOOOOOD it leads nowhere.

you're amazing. for loving me, like nothing how i love you. i know nothing like you, fall fall fall IN LOVE, let me fall so hardly and madly in love with WHO YOU ACTUALLY are. show me show me show me your glory, show me your taste, whisper, SPEAK, yell SHOUT, show me you God, i miss you. i want to know nothing but you..
i'm lost, i'm so lost without you.
find me find me find me. find me please Lord. take me, i hate letting you go.

breath

i breathe everything thats not you, in.
and i breathe the same
exact
thing out.

where are you. where am i.
have i gone.
days will go by and you'll tell me ihaventtalkedtoyou.
in so long, so so long.
flawless, you are flawless.
letmerememberletmeremember




i know better. God, i love you. let me love you like you want me to love you.

to say

you're all i need, you're all i need.
you are
all
i need.
all i was created to find,
i find in you.
all i was created to need,
its all found in you..
yourwhispersaregettingquieter.
i'm getting louder.
this soul rumbles and shakes and stirs up confusion
Father,
Father,
you've never failed me. let me find your heart the way it actually is.
and not what i've heard or been taught or have always thought, but Father let me find your heart just
as it actually IS.

with everything!!!!!!! let me RUN let me run to you to this journey, this journeyFather, get my heart stirred up with passion like i've never known before.

let me fully see me, you, us, this world, your children, all of us, Father help me see fully.. see the way you do.
let me get it.

our process

you've been set. sitting still. waiting, breathing patiently watching me. pulling me when i cant dray myself.
Lord,
let this be ATTRACTIVE.
my heart for you is in no way right now sitting in an attractive stage to the outside.
and i know
i know
i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know
i know
i know
i know i know
i know i know
i know i know i know
i know i know
i know
i know i know
i know i know
i know i know
i know
you dont want me, us, anyone, your children to live like this.
i KNOW these things, God, sweet Savior, i KNOW them!! i just cant GET It. one second its clear, its refreshing, encouraging and inspiring, totally spirit changing..
and then i breath in reality of this world.
and not the reality of YOU.
ah God let me get that.
you dont want perfection, which only leads to me chasing after perfection to distruction because that was only done by you and could have only been done by you so why this mess i know i know i know you want me to chase after YOUR heart, having eyes on YOU but this passion thing has fallen so far away from me but your taste i run and run and run for it again because nothing i've ever tasted, have yet to taste or will ever, is as good as you.



"i wait upon you now, with my hands released to you
where a little faiths enough to see mountains lift and move."


i know.

i'm GETTING it!

i have tried to figure this thing out. without you, with you, the heart of your- your mind, where you're taking me. what you've told me. what you're not.. constantly chasing to hear your voice again and when its not loud or soon enough, i run quicker to my own logic
leaving me lost and hopeless and exhausted.

i run out of passion and your word becomes a list of religious craziness
obedience doesn't seem attractive

how could i for one minute think to understand the mind of you, your heart, your plans or history,. that my human mind could get itself around it?

no other greater voice!
all i know is
living a life
OUTSIDE of you, you being love, and i like love, i love love, i need to be loved and i need to feel loved, and i need to love and i need to know love, i need to know you, if i dont know you i dont know love, i dont have love, i have nothing but hopelessness. You are love. i'm getting that.
i'm getting you are love.
i'm getting it.
i'm getting IT.

ah this life, this LIFE!!!!

you're so beautiful.

promise

how many many many so many times have i run and ran and SPRINT and dodge and eagerly CHASE after my own thoughts and desires and plans and motives and everything
........OUTSIDE OF YOU.
when i know i know i know i know these PROMISES, because you've never been proven wrong,
BUT KELLY TUTTLE WILL
be stubburn
and you know
be me.
and to think
i will never everevereverneverever have this thing RIGHT, i will never be what i want to be IN YOU because i have this vision, i have this heart that cant escape you no matter how many times it desperatly tries to run away because sometimes life outside of you seems so much easier
and then i give up because its
unreachable.
oh dear GOD i cant imagine going through this whole life thing withoutyou
one season,
was totally enough for me
and never ever again and i'm ready i want to give it all to you
and i'm desperate to hear your voice
your warmth
but i just wont shut up

i do not.. get it.

your love.
do not let me
LET YOU GO.

I RUN I RUN I RUN SO QUICKLY SO EAGERLY SO IMPULSIVE..LY.
mistakes more mistakes more mistakes again and always again. trip fall

..whynotfallalittlemore.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

always always so easily run away,
and i dont get it. i do not understand it.

what i hate the most is knowing
my life
doesnt reflect yours.

i dont get the balance.
give me PEACE. you're the best at that!
show me your way. your thoughts, feed me that PASSION again.
you're all i WANT to crave.

you gave.. it all. i want to give my all.
too.