finding the strength here to cry out

seasons of consistency, i want to run so far from routine.
you shake and you mold and you form this image that i cant find any clues of. any hint of this creation you're envisioning.
i miss that passion, that standing in awe of you as a whole. any part of you could get me to shut up. the good kind of shut up where i want to literally bust out of my skin because no amount of words or praise or worship or shouts of love and joy could express the adoration that that heart held for you.
and i miss that and i write that and i just feel empty.
and seasons, life is only found in seasons. good and empty seasons. a season that you cant really care about because you dont have the energy to. and then theres the type of seasons where you're so happy you're full of fear because you know it could never get better. freeze it exactly as is, that fear knowing it will never be that moment again, such good seasons.
then theres that prayer, after that season of bliss i realize i cant sit here. its not just about me, i need to help others. i need to be able to answer to others. i need to be able to love up on others, show them the process you're having on me, this forming of heart and mind and life and what you're capable of. a challenged and damaged soul your power has the power to change any and literally everything.
that prayer, that comes after that thought. that prayer of 'use me. take me deeper. show me understanding" could quite possibly be the second most important prayer in a child of Yours walk.
because its at that prayer, that your child starts to see the bigger picture, of it not being about themself. its about a committed heart and lfie and spirit and mind to
you.
mold me and shape me, i honestly pray that you will form and challenge me. my heart and mind. direct and lead me with strength, confidence in myself and all in you.
help me sort out these distractions so that i may fully and wholly focus and completely humble and surrender all i need
to change
this life, your life.
i've given back to you.
as i literally commit this life, all of me, all authority above me,
i serve
myself
to serve
to you.

jess made me this.

Dear Kelly,

Congratulations! After careful review of your application, we would like to offer you a place at Hillsong International Leadership College. You will be receiving your official Letter of Offer by post.
Should you wish to accept this offer, the next step for you is to make the minimum fee payment to confirm your place in the course. For payment options, please refer to the attached Payment Schedule.
Please note that the college is offering you a place on the basis that you meet the appropriate English language levels as outlined in our entry requirements (available in our prospectus or website).
Once you have made the fee payment, you will be forwarded a Confirmation of Enrolment (for Overseas Students) and Accommodation Information.
If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to email the college at admissions@hillsong.com.
Yours in Christ,

focus on the prize

i have to believe that its all going to be worth it.
theres all these thoughts, all these doubts that are just attacking at me from every single angle. i'm not kidding, every single angle. and i keep thinking what would my life mean if i didnt have you? if i declared you dont exist. if i just decided to live this life all for me because you dont exist. and it breaks my heart, its like thinking of my life without my mom only more because then what would become of life? what would be the point? but theres all these thoughts like creation, where did you come from! and how come it HAD to be this way? how come you gave us choice? how come the only way to salvation was through your son's blood? just all these things that i want to know, that i need to know and i know these qustions i'm just simply supposed to "surrender" them but how could you just surrender those thoughts? and last night i was visiting a friend in southern california and this place is so sad and so lost. and i have no idea where to even start i had to get out of there. all i saw was self improving stores, nails, tanning, fitness/health centers, just all thse things EVERWHERE. it was just full of vanity and people looking everywhere for satisfaction outside of you. anywhere but in you.
and last night my friends boyfriend started getting sassy cause he was drinking and hes agnostic and he started saying stuff like "ok, say if there was a Jesus.." and i honestly dont remember where he went after that because my heart just broke for him. i was just speechless and he lost me, he didnt have my attention anymore and i had no words to give him. and i dont want to be that person that just gives up on these people because they're "set in their ways and too hardheaded" because thats honestly what i think of them they dont want to learn and they wont listen because "we're only judging" and we "dont know how to think for ourselves" but i've lived a life outside of you and i've "thought" to myself and with these doubts and honest questions and struggles and frustations with you, i bring you my thoughts, Lord.
i just cant imagine living a life without you and this is why i hate these seaons of you being quiet and me in the wonder is the worst because i need you so badly.

Lord.
you've caught me in a stage
of the i dont knows becoming all i know and i'm coming to a point where its getting
well it seems giving up could be a better way out.
this whole thing living for you,
this world you let me have
is utterly confusing
and all these things that i'm constantly making a list of hows to changes
i'm growing tired of them, father. because its becoming my life. like the humblesness where i'm not really humble i'm just broken and i'm sick of knowing my brokenness and im sick of looking to you to heal and fix and restore because sometimes you take longer than a shot of vodka.