fury

rollercoaster, you're all i need.
up and down, i come back to you. i meet you, you meet me. i can never get away from you, escape you. you have me, you have my heart, when i said i give you me, Father i gave you me forever. this season, you still got me, Father how could that be? how could you love me the same? not being captivated all the time by your love, ignoring WHO YOU ARE
who you are, and who you always will be. and Father I am YOURS. how could this be?

spill your glory, all over my heart. Father, captivate me again i cant even believe this is who i am now.
daily, i let you slip. i let you slip through right through.

Father, i learn daily i know less about you, i am smaller than the day before. i keep growing.. smaller.

i will hold, i still sit still, i will breathe you in, in andOUTANDINANDINOUT.
you are who i want. nothing more, nothing less. nothing anything outside of that.
you are ..All.
anywhere youre not, Father. i do not want to be. let me grab onto this and hold it and let it out and breathe it out and scream it out FATHER SET MY HEART IN FURY FOR YOU, AGAINST MYSELF, THIS LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE OF OTHERS, OF EVERYONE, TO LOVE AND TO BREATHE OUT LOVE, FATHER, LET ME KNOW AND LOVE AND LOVE AND KNOW YOU AND NOTHINGOUTSIDEOFTHAT. oh My God i miss you more than i know what to do with. i do not even know where to start, this mess, this REPAIR you're about to create and take in WHY OH WHY OH WHY oh my God, this line Father screams it out best..

"and my heart turns violently INSIDE OF MY CHEST and i dont have time to MAINTIN THESE REGRETS when i think about .. the way YOU LOVE ME"

always, never have you given up on me, let go.

my God, why have i let go?

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

us.

i'm so small. i'm so small.
God, i'm so small. compared to you God, God God God. where have i gone so far away how have i let myself get this so far gone. oh my God, things i never ever thought i would be okay with, sin that used to totally disgust my soul, my Jesus my sweet precious precious Savior, i have become so okay with. so familiar with, and i dont get sin, i dont get why we justcantdoit
whycantwejustdoit
but i see the truth, i see so much truth GOD when i choose me
i'm separated from
YOU.
and God oh my GOD my prayers sound exactly the same, desperate, so totally exhausted, confused God i know this isnt your plan, i know you have greater things planned, and i'm ignoring and choosing differently and Father the ways you protect this heart
ISENOUGHTOGETMYHEARTJUMPINGANDRUNNING
because you know you KNOW i was not created for that, God i know i've been ignoring why you've put me here, to love others, to carry YOUR light, YOUR joy, Father you've put this joy in my spirit thats just sort of annoying at times and unexplainable but Father i know i was created to love your people, to love yours, to love. and i have been so completely distracted on MYSELF and Jesus, oh my Jesus, this world.. i really just figured i had this whole spiritual thing figured out, and turns out Jesus you're showing me a different side, this world as it is, and not in this christian bubble which is what i've always lived in.. and Father, i guess in a way i'm thankful for that.

change me God, its going to take you.

"The good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced."

you say and you've said..

its a process.
that i cant perfect.
i can say i look for you, when i glance so quickly, i run even quicker,
i know better.

i'm your child, you're my father, this perfect love that i'm so underserving of.
one minute i start to "get" it. then the next i'm totally more confused or exausted as ever.

God, i miss being passionate about you. i miss you.
i miss your presense, the sound of your rescue. when you chase after me and youre always chasing after me, when will it ever quit? why do you never give up? thank you my sweet Savior, i'm so so underserving. your taste.. there is absouletly nothing better than this.
you breathing on me. all i was created to find, Jesus, is found in you. i know this.
let me live it.
let you be all i want. breath on me, so powerful. theres nothing greater. nothing greater. Father, i know this.
where are you? why do i run? let me feel you please Jesus. capture me, capture my heart, steal it, take it, run away with it, you HAVE to take it Father because with the way things are looking right now anytime soon i wont be giving it to you.

slipped.

i slip, i see you ahead, holding back your hand, walking ahead of me, protecting me because you see it coming. you see my heart. where its going and where its been and
my beautiful God i cant understand the heart of you, your heart towards me. your eyes that look at me, i can see them, i dont get that deep of love.

i literally see your hand, holding it. waiting always waiting so patiently, thats what youre so good at, taking me in, back time and time again..

the other day when i bent down, and the moments you meet me, or when i meet you, when i feel you, when i know youre there are the craziest times. you decide to show me who you are at the craziest times.
looking at muffins.
oh, looking at muffins.
bending down, you held me. you told me you're all i need.
i know this I KNOW THIS GOD.
why do i CHOOSE to ignore it? why do i choose to turn away, when i know i KNOW you've created sensation, you've created feelings, you've created this heart and you've built it so that you're all i was created to find, everywhere i look i see you, i need to see you, outside of that is a void, i need you. and i keep searching for that outside of you and it only leads to ... nothing.nothingnothingnothingoh GOOOOOOOOOOD it leads nowhere.

you're amazing. for loving me, like nothing how i love you. i know nothing like you, fall fall fall IN LOVE, let me fall so hardly and madly in love with WHO YOU ACTUALLY are. show me show me show me your glory, show me your taste, whisper, SPEAK, yell SHOUT, show me you God, i miss you. i want to know nothing but you..
i'm lost, i'm so lost without you.
find me find me find me. find me please Lord. take me, i hate letting you go.

breath

i breathe everything thats not you, in.
and i breathe the same
exact
thing out.

where are you. where am i.
have i gone.
days will go by and you'll tell me ihaventtalkedtoyou.
in so long, so so long.
flawless, you are flawless.
letmerememberletmeremember




i know better. God, i love you. let me love you like you want me to love you.