you allow us to do this without you.


i love what joel houston says..
"i kind of feel like i dont know anything except the one thing.. if we can just understand the one thing then maybe thats all we need to do?"

Jesus, sweet sweet Jesus, i breathe in your presense, your goodness and its all i want to live out, give back, with everything with every single breath i take in this world Father i want to use it for your glory, to see you for who you are and to know you at another level that i dont think i can ever reach.. and then i exauste myself and oh sweet Jesus my eyes wonder back and forth from me to this world when your soul craves my eyes just to be stuck on you and loving you and adoring you for who you are.
Jesus, take this soul. it is yours. i surrender, again and again and again.
let me love like you do, to know love like you do.

thank you for your constant redeemption. you are the only thing worth living for.
feed me your vision today. your hands today, let them be my own.

these words,
youre jealousy..
i dont get it. i want get my head around it.
your mercy, your love, whats it even mean? i cant make sense out of it but God i live the truth of you by the moment, the second i step outside of you, i crumble. i can do this life thing on my own but God, knowing the taste of you, the comfort of you, Father its losing the deepest love when i run from it, when i tell you no.
i bend back and forth with the speed of this world, so quick God and you're so quiet and i have to be even quieter and God we know thats never turned out well but Jesus i'm so desperate for you to turn this heart back to you, its never forgotten about you, I cant.
i cant leave you.
i know you havent left, your hand is always put, sitting still and i run around and around and i need to just stop and think about this great deep love, and God i need you to rumble and shake and stir this heart of mine and God
get my heart on you, on YOURS, your heart, your children, this world
i walk through capitol hill and i know i'm so out of place, these broken desperate people, so put together.
so messy,
and i'm so even messier! messier and Jesus i hate representing you because i'm so OPPOSITE of you, your masterpiece is not me and then I think GOD this isnt faith, this isnt what you want, this is NOT your hearts desires for your children,
distractions, PUSH ME ASIDE oh my GOD how could i forget this is the PERFECT step, the perfect stradegy for the other to win.

anyway God i need you to move, in this heart, this house, this mind, this life, my life, i have given to you a long time ago and i've never taken it back i just refused to let you lead and i'm so sorry that season Jesus why would i choose anything outside of you? i miss you like i've never missed anything before. the deepest love and i cant make sense of it. my heart just cant live without it, it literally beats for you, God i love you and i need you and i cant explain you but thank you for never leaving me, you're so beautiful for always just sitting so still and patiently and being so kind and understanding and i'm just such a small CHILD and i feel like in faith i keep getting younger because i understand less, and again i have to base this entire relationship with you off this heart of mine,
(((((((((((((i guess its just like any love.)))))))))
i cant see it and i have to trust it. so hard, this world so hard to do.


challenge my heart, shake it up and mold it and shape it God into something that does resemble yours.
let my heart burst and ache for what makes yours,
joy that pours out when yours does.
to chase after PURITY (oh God help me)
these things that keep me from you.
this great love, you are you are.

give me confidence in only YOU. you are it. you are mine. you are all. everything.
everything.
oh my God i have everything.
you're everything and you want me.
sweet sweet Savior, i am so underserving of this love. let me taste it, all day every day.
i dont want to step outside of this house without it, without being confident in it. you are it.
YOU.ARE.IT

wisdom, let me soul feed off it, flood my life with people that will pour it in.
God, thank you for saving me.
give me your eyes, this spiritual thing isnt just about me, i cant figure it out and i wont be able to figure it out,
this is about others, you have created me not for me alone, but for you, and Yours. that is why i am.

i never want to step outside of you again, protect this prayer tonight God, because i know this is the most dangerous.
the falls are always the hardest after these nights.

((((((((( I.WILL.NOT.BE.SHAKEN.)))))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!!

fury

rollercoaster, you're all i need.
up and down, i come back to you. i meet you, you meet me. i can never get away from you, escape you. you have me, you have my heart, when i said i give you me, Father i gave you me forever. this season, you still got me, Father how could that be? how could you love me the same? not being captivated all the time by your love, ignoring WHO YOU ARE
who you are, and who you always will be. and Father I am YOURS. how could this be?

spill your glory, all over my heart. Father, captivate me again i cant even believe this is who i am now.
daily, i let you slip. i let you slip through right through.

Father, i learn daily i know less about you, i am smaller than the day before. i keep growing.. smaller.

i will hold, i still sit still, i will breathe you in, in andOUTANDINANDINOUT.
you are who i want. nothing more, nothing less. nothing anything outside of that.
you are ..All.
anywhere youre not, Father. i do not want to be. let me grab onto this and hold it and let it out and breathe it out and scream it out FATHER SET MY HEART IN FURY FOR YOU, AGAINST MYSELF, THIS LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE OF OTHERS, OF EVERYONE, TO LOVE AND TO BREATHE OUT LOVE, FATHER, LET ME KNOW AND LOVE AND LOVE AND KNOW YOU AND NOTHINGOUTSIDEOFTHAT. oh My God i miss you more than i know what to do with. i do not even know where to start, this mess, this REPAIR you're about to create and take in WHY OH WHY OH WHY oh my God, this line Father screams it out best..

"and my heart turns violently INSIDE OF MY CHEST and i dont have time to MAINTIN THESE REGRETS when i think about .. the way YOU LOVE ME"

always, never have you given up on me, let go.

my God, why have i let go?

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

us.

i'm so small. i'm so small.
God, i'm so small. compared to you God, God God God. where have i gone so far away how have i let myself get this so far gone. oh my God, things i never ever thought i would be okay with, sin that used to totally disgust my soul, my Jesus my sweet precious precious Savior, i have become so okay with. so familiar with, and i dont get sin, i dont get why we justcantdoit
whycantwejustdoit
but i see the truth, i see so much truth GOD when i choose me
i'm separated from
YOU.
and God oh my GOD my prayers sound exactly the same, desperate, so totally exhausted, confused God i know this isnt your plan, i know you have greater things planned, and i'm ignoring and choosing differently and Father the ways you protect this heart
ISENOUGHTOGETMYHEARTJUMPINGANDRUNNING
because you know you KNOW i was not created for that, God i know i've been ignoring why you've put me here, to love others, to carry YOUR light, YOUR joy, Father you've put this joy in my spirit thats just sort of annoying at times and unexplainable but Father i know i was created to love your people, to love yours, to love. and i have been so completely distracted on MYSELF and Jesus, oh my Jesus, this world.. i really just figured i had this whole spiritual thing figured out, and turns out Jesus you're showing me a different side, this world as it is, and not in this christian bubble which is what i've always lived in.. and Father, i guess in a way i'm thankful for that.

change me God, its going to take you.

"The good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced."

you say and you've said..

its a process.
that i cant perfect.
i can say i look for you, when i glance so quickly, i run even quicker,
i know better.

i'm your child, you're my father, this perfect love that i'm so underserving of.
one minute i start to "get" it. then the next i'm totally more confused or exausted as ever.

God, i miss being passionate about you. i miss you.
i miss your presense, the sound of your rescue. when you chase after me and youre always chasing after me, when will it ever quit? why do you never give up? thank you my sweet Savior, i'm so so underserving. your taste.. there is absouletly nothing better than this.
you breathing on me. all i was created to find, Jesus, is found in you. i know this.
let me live it.
let you be all i want. breath on me, so powerful. theres nothing greater. nothing greater. Father, i know this.
where are you? why do i run? let me feel you please Jesus. capture me, capture my heart, steal it, take it, run away with it, you HAVE to take it Father because with the way things are looking right now anytime soon i wont be giving it to you.

slipped.

i slip, i see you ahead, holding back your hand, walking ahead of me, protecting me because you see it coming. you see my heart. where its going and where its been and
my beautiful God i cant understand the heart of you, your heart towards me. your eyes that look at me, i can see them, i dont get that deep of love.

i literally see your hand, holding it. waiting always waiting so patiently, thats what youre so good at, taking me in, back time and time again..

the other day when i bent down, and the moments you meet me, or when i meet you, when i feel you, when i know youre there are the craziest times. you decide to show me who you are at the craziest times.
looking at muffins.
oh, looking at muffins.
bending down, you held me. you told me you're all i need.
i know this I KNOW THIS GOD.
why do i CHOOSE to ignore it? why do i choose to turn away, when i know i KNOW you've created sensation, you've created feelings, you've created this heart and you've built it so that you're all i was created to find, everywhere i look i see you, i need to see you, outside of that is a void, i need you. and i keep searching for that outside of you and it only leads to ... nothing.nothingnothingnothingoh GOOOOOOOOOOD it leads nowhere.

you're amazing. for loving me, like nothing how i love you. i know nothing like you, fall fall fall IN LOVE, let me fall so hardly and madly in love with WHO YOU ACTUALLY are. show me show me show me your glory, show me your taste, whisper, SPEAK, yell SHOUT, show me you God, i miss you. i want to know nothing but you..
i'm lost, i'm so lost without you.
find me find me find me. find me please Lord. take me, i hate letting you go.

breath

i breathe everything thats not you, in.
and i breathe the same
exact
thing out.

where are you. where am i.
have i gone.
days will go by and you'll tell me ihaventtalkedtoyou.
in so long, so so long.
flawless, you are flawless.
letmerememberletmeremember




i know better. God, i love you. let me love you like you want me to love you.

to say

you're all i need, you're all i need.
you are
all
i need.
all i was created to find,
i find in you.
all i was created to need,
its all found in you..
yourwhispersaregettingquieter.
i'm getting louder.
this soul rumbles and shakes and stirs up confusion
Father,
Father,
you've never failed me. let me find your heart the way it actually is.
and not what i've heard or been taught or have always thought, but Father let me find your heart just
as it actually IS.

with everything!!!!!!! let me RUN let me run to you to this journey, this journeyFather, get my heart stirred up with passion like i've never known before.

let me fully see me, you, us, this world, your children, all of us, Father help me see fully.. see the way you do.
let me get it.

our process

you've been set. sitting still. waiting, breathing patiently watching me. pulling me when i cant dray myself.
Lord,
let this be ATTRACTIVE.
my heart for you is in no way right now sitting in an attractive stage to the outside.
and i know
i know
i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know
i know
i know
i know i know
i know i know
i know i know i know
i know i know
i know
i know i know
i know i know
i know i know
i know
you dont want me, us, anyone, your children to live like this.
i KNOW these things, God, sweet Savior, i KNOW them!! i just cant GET It. one second its clear, its refreshing, encouraging and inspiring, totally spirit changing..
and then i breath in reality of this world.
and not the reality of YOU.
ah God let me get that.
you dont want perfection, which only leads to me chasing after perfection to distruction because that was only done by you and could have only been done by you so why this mess i know i know i know you want me to chase after YOUR heart, having eyes on YOU but this passion thing has fallen so far away from me but your taste i run and run and run for it again because nothing i've ever tasted, have yet to taste or will ever, is as good as you.



"i wait upon you now, with my hands released to you
where a little faiths enough to see mountains lift and move."


i know.

i'm GETTING it!

i have tried to figure this thing out. without you, with you, the heart of your- your mind, where you're taking me. what you've told me. what you're not.. constantly chasing to hear your voice again and when its not loud or soon enough, i run quicker to my own logic
leaving me lost and hopeless and exhausted.

i run out of passion and your word becomes a list of religious craziness
obedience doesn't seem attractive

how could i for one minute think to understand the mind of you, your heart, your plans or history,. that my human mind could get itself around it?

no other greater voice!
all i know is
living a life
OUTSIDE of you, you being love, and i like love, i love love, i need to be loved and i need to feel loved, and i need to love and i need to know love, i need to know you, if i dont know you i dont know love, i dont have love, i have nothing but hopelessness. You are love. i'm getting that.
i'm getting you are love.
i'm getting it.
i'm getting IT.

ah this life, this LIFE!!!!

you're so beautiful.

promise

how many many many so many times have i run and ran and SPRINT and dodge and eagerly CHASE after my own thoughts and desires and plans and motives and everything
........OUTSIDE OF YOU.
when i know i know i know i know these PROMISES, because you've never been proven wrong,
BUT KELLY TUTTLE WILL
be stubburn
and you know
be me.
and to think
i will never everevereverneverever have this thing RIGHT, i will never be what i want to be IN YOU because i have this vision, i have this heart that cant escape you no matter how many times it desperatly tries to run away because sometimes life outside of you seems so much easier
and then i give up because its
unreachable.
oh dear GOD i cant imagine going through this whole life thing withoutyou
one season,
was totally enough for me
and never ever again and i'm ready i want to give it all to you
and i'm desperate to hear your voice
your warmth
but i just wont shut up

i do not.. get it.

your love.
do not let me
LET YOU GO.

I RUN I RUN I RUN SO QUICKLY SO EAGERLY SO IMPULSIVE..LY.
mistakes more mistakes more mistakes again and always again. trip fall

..whynotfallalittlemore.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

always always so easily run away,
and i dont get it. i do not understand it.

what i hate the most is knowing
my life
doesnt reflect yours.

i dont get the balance.
give me PEACE. you're the best at that!
show me your way. your thoughts, feed me that PASSION again.
you're all i WANT to crave.

you gave.. it all. i want to give my all.
too.

i have found the greatest love. and now in comparison ... everything compared is nothing.
searching the entire world theres no other beauty like the beauty of sitting with doors closed, my bed room floor in your soft brilliant presence..
i have compared all else to this feeling and theres nothing better.
and my hearts broken because theres still a huge part of me thats lonely but when i have what i've been thinking i want i only want to spend that time with you and i dont want to be the grass is always greener sort of girl but i want to be balanced in all areas and i want to have a family and i want all these things that my heart chases after but sometimes it gets so covered with too many thoughts and theres gotta be something better type of thinking and this perfect prince in my head thats going to be crazy and love you and hilarious and really really tall and still so passionate about being a child of you.
and i'm only 24 and i want to be single but i feel like if i dont know who i'm going to marry
then the future is a MESS.
but hey!! silly kid you should know THIS HOPE WE HAVE
IS
UNLIMITED.
un
limit
eddddddddddddddddd
okokokokokokk

(live it out. now)

worship

i'm not sure how people could live everyday like this, just as is.
without the passion, without the taste of you. without realizing the taste of you. Father i pray that you cure this heart, i pray you fill it so full of you Father i cant fill it with anything else. i pray for a vision and a focus, a heart totally onto you father, i pray you free us from depression and self esteem issues Father and i pray that in place you store a beautiful peace and joy from you Father. i pray you teach us what it means to live lives totally devoted to you, my King. i pray you fill our hearts with a deep, sincere passion and trust in YOU. and not in ourselves, Lord God.
i pray you help us reach our community, that when we say we're known and know our community, that that is the truest at its fullest Father. i pray that you help me trust in you and your life plans for me, Jesus. what a beautiful name.. thank you for your salvation. i loveeeeeeee you my Jesus. my beautiful beautiful savior. love you forever.

i was thinking
we have taken your beauty
which honestly a bit messy
and we have tried to make it so its appealing
more appealing so you look good
and its not so messy
and so it looks more like beauty
but not what you worked up
in your head
.................................................inthatheadofyours..........................................

remember.. when salvation
what a beautiful beautiful word
salvation,
was when we chased after, we tasted it and wanted others to taste it and we didnt hide the truth and it wasnt about cutting corners or playing it safe.
it was about living for You and winning hearts to You.
to think about this
as just as is. this life just as is. after
is eternity.
which is a word we try to never ever use.

but what can wash aawayyyyyyymy sinnnnnn!!!
nothingbutthebloodofJesussssssssssssss

lets talk about it. lets talk and talk and talk.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then lets live in on it!!!
whoooooooooooseeeeeeeeeeeeeeREADY!!!!!!!!!

good.NESS.

your faithfullness sometimes feels alone and away. and i run farther away from you, Father when i feel far away.

i blame it on you, you're a God of the quiet and still.
THIS SEASON
COUNTS
AS WELL.
they all do they all they all they all do thats so good..
and things arent going my way,
"pay attention to what you're paying attention to"

...where my treasure is...
my heart will be found there.

my focus, my heart.. FATHER.
let them be on you. on your heart.
to understand that
you are
SERIOUSLY
the only thing worth living for...
even when passion
has ran away
and a vision has been swept away.

I HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE TO THEM. Father
TAKE THIS HEART BACK
take this mind back BECAUSE IT THINKS TOO MUCH
and i sometimes want to throw it all away
and sit in your presense
and cry in extreme gratitude.
once you taste it, i can never run away
sometimes its easier
"abuse the grace do it do it do it!!!!"

your eyes.................
your heart
I DONT UNDERSTAND
this love, i can see your eyes.. thinking of me... these tears.. "why have you forsaken me?"
never let me run away from you. keep me in your arms, Father. protect this heart its yours.
change me, change the depths of my heart. take it back
help my unbelief.

your hands, my feet.

Lord-
you've seen this heart. and you hold it in your hands.
you understand this process, this heart that eagerly wants to chase after your will and righteousness.
you understand i'm your girl. learning, somethings the hard way.
my stubbornness.. sometimes i see things my way and my understanding, i lean onto it. it seems easier.

i like the reminders
of your grace, living in it. i cant think about it too much. my mind gets captivated by these what ifs and howso's and how thens and Lord, all i know is when i'm living in your presense and your will, i never want to leave.
and these buts, it becomes so complicated.
your hands offer this joy and my feet run away.
i cant explain the pull, this desire to feed me.
i ask for help, for the constant obedience.
that its not about proving anything to anyone, but to live for you and in that, i can trust that whatever happens, will happen for you.
you're brilliant. i love you.
always.

the vision

So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…

The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people. You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism. They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.


They wouldn't even notice. They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.

They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying. What is the vision ? The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.

It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure. Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation. It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games. This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.

A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose that they might one day win the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters. Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"



And this is the sound of the underground The whisper of history in the making Foundations shaking Revolutionaries dreaming once again Mystery is scheming in whispers Conspiracy is breathing… This is the And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.


Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms. The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back? Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?
And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and with great barrow loads of laughter! Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365. Whatever it takes they will give:
Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide.

Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them.

Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside. On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide. Would they surrender their image or their popularity? They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair. With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)

Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus. Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.Don't you hear them coming? Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks.

Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.How do I know?


Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.


My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.


Guaranteed.