you allow us to do this without you.


i love what joel houston says..
"i kind of feel like i dont know anything except the one thing.. if we can just understand the one thing then maybe thats all we need to do?"

Jesus, sweet sweet Jesus, i breathe in your presense, your goodness and its all i want to live out, give back, with everything with every single breath i take in this world Father i want to use it for your glory, to see you for who you are and to know you at another level that i dont think i can ever reach.. and then i exauste myself and oh sweet Jesus my eyes wonder back and forth from me to this world when your soul craves my eyes just to be stuck on you and loving you and adoring you for who you are.
Jesus, take this soul. it is yours. i surrender, again and again and again.
let me love like you do, to know love like you do.

thank you for your constant redeemption. you are the only thing worth living for.
feed me your vision today. your hands today, let them be my own.

these words,
youre jealousy..
i dont get it. i want get my head around it.
your mercy, your love, whats it even mean? i cant make sense out of it but God i live the truth of you by the moment, the second i step outside of you, i crumble. i can do this life thing on my own but God, knowing the taste of you, the comfort of you, Father its losing the deepest love when i run from it, when i tell you no.
i bend back and forth with the speed of this world, so quick God and you're so quiet and i have to be even quieter and God we know thats never turned out well but Jesus i'm so desperate for you to turn this heart back to you, its never forgotten about you, I cant.
i cant leave you.
i know you havent left, your hand is always put, sitting still and i run around and around and i need to just stop and think about this great deep love, and God i need you to rumble and shake and stir this heart of mine and God
get my heart on you, on YOURS, your heart, your children, this world
i walk through capitol hill and i know i'm so out of place, these broken desperate people, so put together.
so messy,
and i'm so even messier! messier and Jesus i hate representing you because i'm so OPPOSITE of you, your masterpiece is not me and then I think GOD this isnt faith, this isnt what you want, this is NOT your hearts desires for your children,
distractions, PUSH ME ASIDE oh my GOD how could i forget this is the PERFECT step, the perfect stradegy for the other to win.

anyway God i need you to move, in this heart, this house, this mind, this life, my life, i have given to you a long time ago and i've never taken it back i just refused to let you lead and i'm so sorry that season Jesus why would i choose anything outside of you? i miss you like i've never missed anything before. the deepest love and i cant make sense of it. my heart just cant live without it, it literally beats for you, God i love you and i need you and i cant explain you but thank you for never leaving me, you're so beautiful for always just sitting so still and patiently and being so kind and understanding and i'm just such a small CHILD and i feel like in faith i keep getting younger because i understand less, and again i have to base this entire relationship with you off this heart of mine,
(((((((((((((i guess its just like any love.)))))))))
i cant see it and i have to trust it. so hard, this world so hard to do.


challenge my heart, shake it up and mold it and shape it God into something that does resemble yours.
let my heart burst and ache for what makes yours,
joy that pours out when yours does.
to chase after PURITY (oh God help me)
these things that keep me from you.
this great love, you are you are.

give me confidence in only YOU. you are it. you are mine. you are all. everything.
everything.
oh my God i have everything.
you're everything and you want me.
sweet sweet Savior, i am so underserving of this love. let me taste it, all day every day.
i dont want to step outside of this house without it, without being confident in it. you are it.
YOU.ARE.IT

wisdom, let me soul feed off it, flood my life with people that will pour it in.
God, thank you for saving me.
give me your eyes, this spiritual thing isnt just about me, i cant figure it out and i wont be able to figure it out,
this is about others, you have created me not for me alone, but for you, and Yours. that is why i am.

i never want to step outside of you again, protect this prayer tonight God, because i know this is the most dangerous.
the falls are always the hardest after these nights.

((((((((( I.WILL.NOT.BE.SHAKEN.)))))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!!

fury

rollercoaster, you're all i need.
up and down, i come back to you. i meet you, you meet me. i can never get away from you, escape you. you have me, you have my heart, when i said i give you me, Father i gave you me forever. this season, you still got me, Father how could that be? how could you love me the same? not being captivated all the time by your love, ignoring WHO YOU ARE
who you are, and who you always will be. and Father I am YOURS. how could this be?

spill your glory, all over my heart. Father, captivate me again i cant even believe this is who i am now.
daily, i let you slip. i let you slip through right through.

Father, i learn daily i know less about you, i am smaller than the day before. i keep growing.. smaller.

i will hold, i still sit still, i will breathe you in, in andOUTANDINANDINOUT.
you are who i want. nothing more, nothing less. nothing anything outside of that.
you are ..All.
anywhere youre not, Father. i do not want to be. let me grab onto this and hold it and let it out and breathe it out and scream it out FATHER SET MY HEART IN FURY FOR YOU, AGAINST MYSELF, THIS LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE OF OTHERS, OF EVERYONE, TO LOVE AND TO BREATHE OUT LOVE, FATHER, LET ME KNOW AND LOVE AND LOVE AND KNOW YOU AND NOTHINGOUTSIDEOFTHAT. oh My God i miss you more than i know what to do with. i do not even know where to start, this mess, this REPAIR you're about to create and take in WHY OH WHY OH WHY oh my God, this line Father screams it out best..

"and my heart turns violently INSIDE OF MY CHEST and i dont have time to MAINTIN THESE REGRETS when i think about .. the way YOU LOVE ME"

always, never have you given up on me, let go.

my God, why have i let go?

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

us.

i'm so small. i'm so small.
God, i'm so small. compared to you God, God God God. where have i gone so far away how have i let myself get this so far gone. oh my God, things i never ever thought i would be okay with, sin that used to totally disgust my soul, my Jesus my sweet precious precious Savior, i have become so okay with. so familiar with, and i dont get sin, i dont get why we justcantdoit
whycantwejustdoit
but i see the truth, i see so much truth GOD when i choose me
i'm separated from
YOU.
and God oh my GOD my prayers sound exactly the same, desperate, so totally exhausted, confused God i know this isnt your plan, i know you have greater things planned, and i'm ignoring and choosing differently and Father the ways you protect this heart
ISENOUGHTOGETMYHEARTJUMPINGANDRUNNING
because you know you KNOW i was not created for that, God i know i've been ignoring why you've put me here, to love others, to carry YOUR light, YOUR joy, Father you've put this joy in my spirit thats just sort of annoying at times and unexplainable but Father i know i was created to love your people, to love yours, to love. and i have been so completely distracted on MYSELF and Jesus, oh my Jesus, this world.. i really just figured i had this whole spiritual thing figured out, and turns out Jesus you're showing me a different side, this world as it is, and not in this christian bubble which is what i've always lived in.. and Father, i guess in a way i'm thankful for that.

change me God, its going to take you.

"The good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced."

you say and you've said..

its a process.
that i cant perfect.
i can say i look for you, when i glance so quickly, i run even quicker,
i know better.

i'm your child, you're my father, this perfect love that i'm so underserving of.
one minute i start to "get" it. then the next i'm totally more confused or exausted as ever.

God, i miss being passionate about you. i miss you.
i miss your presense, the sound of your rescue. when you chase after me and youre always chasing after me, when will it ever quit? why do you never give up? thank you my sweet Savior, i'm so so underserving. your taste.. there is absouletly nothing better than this.
you breathing on me. all i was created to find, Jesus, is found in you. i know this.
let me live it.
let you be all i want. breath on me, so powerful. theres nothing greater. nothing greater. Father, i know this.
where are you? why do i run? let me feel you please Jesus. capture me, capture my heart, steal it, take it, run away with it, you HAVE to take it Father because with the way things are looking right now anytime soon i wont be giving it to you.